Budabil (rythm of my life)

Budabil



It was quarter past eleven. Mama and I were busy preparing the table. We only got a few minutes and still have to set the fruit salad, spaghetti, macaroni salad, fried chicken and the grains up on the table. On the other side, there was Papa, my stepfather, singing infront of the television screen while Pogi, my cat, was lying on his feet. When Mama joined him, he stood up as if he was serenading her with his eyes twinkling with the colorful lights around. I can’t help myself but smile everytime he missed a note and Mama teased him. But my brother Louie, challenged her as he sided on Papa’s starlike performance. Everybody was laughing when I finally called up for the midnight meal. It was picturesque.

I could feel the hearty laugh in my stomach and the stretched mouth as I tasted the food. It was such a happy moment in my life celebrating a special occasion with my family. But suddenly that vision blurred out and the tears brought me back to reality. It’s almost twelve midnight when I realized I was there sitting beside the same dining table with nothing but a layer of cassava cake, a bowl of biko and bihon. There was no hint of Mama and Papa or a shadow of my beloved brother. Only Pogi and Pangga, my new puppy, were there staring at me as if asking why I was so alone. I ate a bit of the cake and realized it would have been tastier if I have someone with me in that cold Christmas Eve. I was with that thought when I let myself cry out loud. It was painful to see the unopened gifts under the Christmas tree which I excitedly prepared for them. But all I can do then was cry and wish that I could ride on a time machine and go back to the previous year-to the previous Christmas Eve.

Five, four, three, two, one…and it was twelve midnight- the most awaited part of the day. The time when I am supposed to be happy and realized how hurtful it is to lose something you were used to have. I felt so empty and asked God why he let an uncle die of liver cancer that in so doing obliged my family to attend to the funeral and be heartbroken in the season of happiness while leaving me in custody of our home. I wondered why he did not just let the Christmas season to pass first. But there was no answer.

I then got up and readied myself to lock our gate when I noticed a lot of people infront of our house. They were preparing for the “Purok Party” led by the senior citizens. I paused for a while and then started to get inside when an old lady neighbor called me, “Inday Sela, ali kay manajaw tan nan budabil” (Sheila, come and let us dance vaudeville). Of course I refused because I was not in the mood to socialize with others and also basically because I do not know the dance. But she was so persistent that she gracefully dragged me towards the center of the dance floor where a handkerchief was laid for anyone to drop a coin or a money bill in appreciation for the dancers. I was ashamed but also hesitant to get away for the fear of hurting the old lady’s feelings. I watched her, studied the way she flipped her hands, swayed her body, and moved her feet. I was thinking then that I was caught in a really awkward situation where there’s nowhere to run. And then memories came flooding in again. I remembered the enumerable times I got embarrassed infront of the people and asked God “why did you let those things happen to me?” .I remembered the years when my mother struggled hard to feed her two children abandoned by their father and asked God, “why did you not make our lives burden-free?”. Tears were already rolling down my cheeks when I just realized I was already swaying with the beat and matching with the old lady’s graceful moves as she smiled at me. I never thought I would make myself a star that night dancing to the tune I never knew existed. And then I realized how strong I have become for overcoming the heartaches, hardships, brokenness, and even from recovering from my fears, doubts and insecurities. I know I will always have problems in the future, and will face a lot of changes and uncertainties, but I know I can make it.

I got a little sweaty and still smiled back at the old lady. I felt a lot better to be dancing the unfamiliar dance just like dancing the unpredictable tune of my life. I know things would not be so easy, but with God, I am sure I can make it to the curtain’s close. #